Work Stress Nearly Sent Me to the ER
Overview
On May 27, my heart let me know that something was amiss, and by June 1, things had gotten so bad that I considered going to the ER. Considered, because I was completely incapable of actually making any decisions, in tears, and not thinking coherently.
My partner — who was having his own day-from-hell — instructed me to log off from work and either go to the ER or get a referral to see a cardiologist. I don't normally tolerate being told what to do, but in that moment it's exactly what I needed.
So, I emailed my manager and told her that I was taking the rest of the day off.
And then, almost instantly, my heart stopped acting up.
Had this not happened, I would have fully chalked the experience up to perimenopause, which I've since learned can bequeath us with these very symptoms. [Note that I learned this from a friend (thanks, Angela!) who's gone through something similar — and NOT from the medical establishment, my gynecologist, or my PCP.]
But what left me feeling deeply unsettled was the glaring observation that calling in sick had resolved things.
I mean, if my work stress was high enough to trigger such wildly erratic palpitations, wouldn't said palpitations return once I returned to work?!
Another deeply unsettling issue was that I didn't even realized how stressed I'd become. I love the nonprofit organization I work for, I love how they really do a great job taking care of their employees (considering that they have to navigate capitalism like every other employer), and I have a good relationship with my manager.
The more I've sat with this, the more painfully aware I've become of the following:
My gifts aren't being used at my job.
My workload has more than doubled, while my compensation has increased only modestly...and only temporarily.
I'm overwhelmed — less so by the workload itself and more so because I don't fully understand what my new responsibilities are...and grant applications worth millions now fall on me.
And perhaps the most disconcerting: I am completely unfulfilled in my job and I know that my days of being able to tolerate this lack of fulfillment are numbered.
So now what? As a certified Wayfinder Master Coach, you'd think I'd have an answer. I mean, it's exactly the kind of thing that I help others navigate! But like everyone, I have my own blindspots.
Quitting would absolutely upend my life, and since I'm not in a toxic environment, it's too drastic for me to consider. At least for now.
I have taken some actions — mostly in the form of inquiries — and so I'm in a holding pattern. For now, all I can really do is to stay curious, "breathe into" the times when I'm feeling overwhelmed and unfulfilled, and break out whatever tool will help me "ride the wave" through physically and psychically challenging moments so that I can continue to receive a paycheck.
Because thanks to capitalism, no early financial education, and the lack of savings necessary to survive without a job, I don't have the resources to quit when I literally feel like I'm about to go into cardiac arrest.
Side note: I've "burnt my boats" before, at Tony Robbins' urging, and looking back, it kinda kills me that an exceptionally privileged (white) man advocates that under-resourced, marginalized people ought to go that route.
Anyway, that's what I'm doing right now.
While I have the power to choose my response, I'm not free to prioritize my health and wellbeing — at least not without serious repercussions that would then jeopardize my health and wellbeing.
And what I've noticed is that most humans living in capitalist societies are in a similar (and often) worse boat.
Circling back to you...
There isn't exactly an empowering resolution to my story — at least not yet. Things feel quite raw and liminal! So the questions that follow are more about evoking awareness into structural issues inherent in capitalism and where you stand within in than they are about helping you feel empowered. Because we can't "high vibe" away structural issues or do mindset work to overcome them.
I hope that's okay.
Thinking of a circumstance that feels unresolved:
If applicable, what limitations do you face as a result of systemic structural issues?
What power do you have to choose your response, without your world falling apart?
Would adopting a different mindset serve you in this case? If so, what might this look like, and what would be the benefit?
In wayfindng, we have an acronym known as the Three Bs: bag it, barter it, or better it.
In the circumstance you named above, where does the opportunity lie for you to either:
Bag it (let it go),
Barter it (just like it sounds), or
Better it (find a way to make it more tolerable)?
In my case, bettering it is the only real option right now. For example, I can use this as an opportunity to practice self-care in the middle of the workday (e.g. take a short nap or walk, do some breath work, meditate, etc.).
What might your own Three Bs look like?
That is all.
Hi! I’m Kristi.
I help women & gender-expansive folk liberate themselves from capitalism’s self-blaming hamster wheel of “mindset work”, bootstrapping, and “never enoughness” while navigating life’s day-to-day challenges. This work is, ultimately, about helping humans move into deeper integrity with who they truly are so that they can flourish and contribute meaningfully to our collective liberation. Click here to learn more.
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